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“Find a simple idea and take it seriously!”
Welcome, ladies, gents, and doomscrollers, strap in tight for a week-in-review! After all, who needs sanity when you have headlines?
America's Greatest Hits:
President Trump apparently realized D.C. had "too many criminals and gangs", shocking, so he did what any rational leader would do: federal police takeover of Washington, D.C.. He might try switching the MO next week; maybe free unicorns for all? Meanwhile, Trump also fired the head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics for reporting hiring was slow, because when numbers are bad, just fire the calculator.
European Affairs:
EU leaders are really into inspirational quotes this week. Ukraine, according to them, must "choose its own destiny." No word on what chapters are available, but a summit with Trump and Putin looms, which, if recent history is any guide, will resolve everything... except, you know, actual problems.
Diplomacy schedule alert: Vladimir Putin’s planning a grand tour to India this late August, likely to prove he’s not just about mystery war rooms.
Tech titans doing tech things: Apple pledged a whopping $600 billion to reshore manufacturing (because supply chains need a U.S. glow-up), and Salesforce and ServiceNow tossed $1.5 billion at Genesys for customer AI wizardry. Oh, and the GitHub CEO is quitting to found something new, naturally.
Pixel mania: Google leaked drool-worthy Pixel 10 lineup details ahead of its big reveal, and the August update just fixed a nasty Android 16 security flaw, because patching phones is more exciting than rocket launches.
Deals & drops in fintech: Ripple’s buying payments startup Rail for $200 million to flex in stablecoin moves, and Wells Fargo doubled down on AI agents with Google Cloud to automate everyday banking (because who needs humans, right?).
Now for Silly News, Because Why Not:
Taylor Swift, who probably lives in your feed whether you want her or not, announced her 12th album, “The Life of a Showgirl.” No release date, because suspense is part of the marketing budget. Nigeria’s military claims 100 gang members are gone, no word if this is by press release or actual statistics.
Real Money, Real Investment, No Advice
